| At Work......... |
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| 09:50pm 15/12/2004 |
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mood:  stressed
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So I am at work and I should be getting out in about 40 minutes that is if my replacement is here on time, which he rarely is..... I finish my study guide today for my U.S History test tommorow something I rarely do, but I need to get a good grade in that class so my financial aid isn't taken away, that would suck because I woul dhave to work so much more, and possibly take ona third job, which would be horrible... I was doing that over the summer. Me and Alex have been fighting alot lately which makes me upset... maybe we just spend to much time together. I rarely have the chance to get away from him. Everytime we fight i feel terrible, and I know that it is my fault i have this way about me that i can't help... I get to sleep in tommorow i don't have class until 10:30 yay...
I guess this is all |
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| What do you call this? Oh I forgot that's life |
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| 05:02pm 13/12/2004 |
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mood:  rushed
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I didnt go to class today because i woke up and was too tire from writing a ten page paper last night. I went to work, and everyong single customer seemed to piss me off. Josh and Adam were over when i came home from work today that was a pleasant surprise. I have a project and a five page paper to write tonight, but I have no idea what to do it on so that sucks it will probaly be another late night oh well. I thought I was going to have a few days of this week but the hotel called and asked if I could work tommorow and Wednesday, I said no to tommorow, so i have at least one day off and now i have to work wednesday.ughh |
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| Holy Shit |
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| 06:08pm 12/12/2004 |
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mood:  jubilant
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What's up journal!
so what have i been doing lately let me tell you a whole lot of nothing. I've been going to Boston alot, and working a hell of a lot, and maturing quite a bit. I've been staying straight which is good for me. Been thinking a lot about my past, and how many great things I have fucked up in my life, but that's just me, it something that generally repeats itself. I've found some new friends although none female, sometimes I wish i could just have a girlfriend to talk about shit. Alex just isn't enough. I think I've lost my old crazy spontaneous self I hope I regain that soon though because life just isn't as fun. .School is going good next semester will be better because I am taking half of my classes online which will help me a bit. The only class I am really sucking at this semester though is history. History has always been a killer for me especially U.S history before 1865, and I have a horrible teacher which doesn't help. Pretty soon I'll be on a plane to Oklahoma it will be fun to get away for awhile with my mom. I never see her anymore. Alex's parents are more like parents to me than my own parents thats sad. I am glad though that my mom is much happier I think part of it has to with me not being with her anymore she has much less to worry about, the only stress in her life is my grandmother. Andover is getting on my nerves though and I just need to get out I am going to apply to a few schools in New York hopefully I'll get into one. i haven't yet discussed this with Alex, but i hope he will be o.k with it.I don't know anything anymore |
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| damn |
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| 12:57am 11/03/2004 |
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mood:  indescribable
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I forget about this thing sometimes i dont really think many people read it anymore, but hey go with the flow right... Went to the Murphy's tonight it was Gregs 21st birthday, they are always a fun group to hang around with, they always keep me laughing, but Sean got drunk and told stories about the past, which made greg lose respect for me, eh he'll forget about it tommorow so it really doesn't matter. I think I want to radiology i switched out of the umass program, it sucked and i wasnt keeping my grades up or even going to class last semester, this semester I am making an honest effort to get to class i only have one early class which is a pain in the ass but i have to get over it. Overall i think i am doing pretty good with the school thing. But I think I have to get myself away from this place just to escape for awhile. I think im going to move out from my mom this summer which will be good, but I am going to have to learn to support myself, which means saving money which I really dont know how to do. Ill probaly keep this apartment and get a male room mate since we all knowhow i do with females just can;t get close to them. but hey its all good... |
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| 10:48pm 16/11/2003 |
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yeah so i stole this from shauns journal so have fun
[Jewelry worn daily]: none
[Favorite top]:my puma hoodie
[Favorite bottoms]: any pare of my tilt jeans
[Cologne/Perfume]:sweet pea
[CD in stereo right now]: mix
[Piercings]: just a hole in my lip
[Hair]: kind along and reddish brownish
[What you are wearing now]: jeans with a sunshine on the bum, and old work shirt and a grey hoodie
[In my mouth]: tongue tasting of tobacco
[Inmyhead]: nothing
[After this]: homework hopefuly
[Talking to]: no one
[The last thing you ate?]: meat with hot sauce and cheese, but iw ant some mac n cheese
[Some of your favorite movies]: girl interrutped, air force one
[Something that you are deathly afraid of]: a posionous snake biting me
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: nope
[Do you belivebelieve in forgiveness]: yes.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: giraffe
[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]:key west, miami, LA
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: alex
[In the last 24 hours, have you]
01. Cried: no.
02. Bought something: nope
03. Gotten sick: yeah i think im gonna be sick for the rest of my life
04. Sang:always when im all alone in my car
05. Eaten: tons
07. Felt stupid: always
08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: no.
09. Met someone new:yes
10. Moved on:yup
11. Talked to an ex: yes
12. Missed an ex: no
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: hell yeah
14. Had a serious talk: no havent had a serious talk since a serious scare
15. Missed someone: yes.
16. Hugged someone: yeah alex and brian
17. Fought with your parent: nope
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: nope
[Who]
01. Have you known the longest: dannielle
02. Do you argue with the most with: mom
03. Do you always get along with: elaine
04. Is the trustworthiest: sean
05. Makes you laugh the most: alex
06. Has been there through all the hard times:vaughan used to be but i fucked that one up
07. Has the coolest parents: alex
08. Have the coolest siblings: me
09. Is the most blunt:sean
10. Is the smartest: elaine
[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: my cousin paul
02. What is some of your pet peeves:people chewing at their nails for hours
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: probably
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yup
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: chubby
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): yes
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: o ya
08. Rather be dumper or dumped:dumped its so much easier
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": i like both but right now a relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: no
11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: no
12. Do you want to get married: yes
13. Do you want kids:yup
14. Do you believe in psychics: no they lie
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: hopefully
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my nose
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: im an accepting person
18. Are you happy with you: no
19. Are you happy with your life: some parts
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: my attitude towards my classes
Have you...
1. Fallen for your best friend?: no
3. Been rejected?:not really
4. Been in love?: hope so but who will ever really know
5. Used someone?: no
6. Been used?: yes
8. Done something you regret?: who hasn't
Who was the last person..
9. You touched?: alex
10. You talked to?: mom
12. You instant messaged?: cassan
14. You had sex with?:alex about 2 hrs ago
15. You yelled at?: sean
16. You laughed with?: my mom
17. Who broke your heart?: no one yet
18. Who told you they loved you?: alex
Do you..
19. Color your hair?: yup
20. Have tattoos?:yup
21. Have piercings?: had my lip still have a hole though
22. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes
23. Own a webcam?: no
24. Own a thong?: many but i dont really like to where underwear
25. Ever get off the damn computer?: most of the time im not oon it just when ig et bored
27. Habla espanol? not really
*Questions*
29. If you could be anywhere, where would you be? in st johns
30. Can you do anything freakish with your body? well now do you really wanna know?
31. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? eyes generally sometimes cheeks
32. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: yeah if i thought she would make a good president
33. Would you marry for money?: never
34. Have you had braces?: nope
36. Do you like hairy backs? not really
37. Could you live without a computer?: no.
38. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc: aim
39. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: 133
40. If you could live in any past, where would it be? dunno
41. Do you wear white socks?:i usually where two different color socks cuz none of mine match
42. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: whatever is most comfortable
43. Your favorite fruit?: strawberries
44. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: white
45. What is your favorite place to visit?:st johns
46. What is the last movie you saw?: master and commander
47. Are you photogenic?: not really
48. Do you dream in color or black and white?: i think black and white
49. Do you have any dimples? dunno, i could never really figure out what dimples were
50. Do you drink alcohol?:occasionally not often
51. Did you like or do you like high school: it was fun while it lasted
52. What is the best accent? dunno i like the way i speak
53. Who do you want to kiss? alex
54. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?:sunsets
55. Do you want to live to be 100?: if i make it there i make it there
56. Is a flat stomach important to you?: nope i like pudge it gives me something comfortable to lean on
57. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: no
58. Are you loyal?: yup
59. Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: oh yes
60. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: definatly off
61. Do you like your nose?yup
62. Do you write poetry?: sometimes
63. Snore?: not really
64. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: curled in aball
65. Cats/Dogs?: doggies |
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| When does this drama we call life end? |
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| 01:25am 15/11/2003 |
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I haven't updated in so long, i haven't really cared but maybe writing in here will help me get some shit of my chest. I don't live in Andover anymore, I now live in Lowell. I have my cell phone again so you should call me sometime (978)-430-0822... I've lost a best friend over the past couple months, I've gained so many great friends though, that I don't know what i would do with out. I don't think I will ever grow so close to another girl though, it just hurts in the end. I've learned to stop at the limit of someone knowing me so well, they could be. I have also found the greatest guy for me there could possibly be. I just feel like we are such a good match. He makes med happier than anything, and I think he may be the one. I know I'm young but you never know but I thnk my luvk has turned around with guys, hes not a heroin user and he's not severely depressed. i have been finally able to get over Shawheen, which has taken quite some time, but I it's a good time we have too many break ups and were never able to get real close to eachother. For some reason I though I would nevr beable to get over him, every sing relationship I have ever been with since I met him, i always broke up with the guy because i still cared about Shawheen. Well thats not going to happen this time,which I'm proud of. I just wish me and Shawheen could have kept up somewhat of a friendship he's a great person, and someone awful to lose as a friend. I haven't really gone to school in awhile maybe ill catch a class here and a class there but not enough to pass.. I just haven't cared enough about that, which is funny it seems the less i go the more friends i make at school, for every time im there. Life just seems like such a huge drama, and i wish everything could be easier than what it is, and has been lately. well for those who still read this have fun |
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| All these crazy scattered thoughts |
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| 11:48pm 02/10/2003 |
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mood:  rejected
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I don't really know what I have been feeling lately, I kind of feel like I'm not a good sister. I am going to try and visit my siter more often. I've also been thinking of all those friendships I've never bothered to keep up, and it's weird, I people have been talking to me lately who I haven't talked to in years...crazy... I think thats what made me start thinking about unkept relationships. I miss my old life in Westfield too. I think if i kept living there would I be a different person todya. I think I would be a lot more fucked up. I'm watching the Jay leno show something I rarely do it's wicked funny. I started school. I like it. I can't go tommorow though, because I have to go do something more important. I 'm actually doing pretty good in school for oncce. |
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| 04:58pm 05/08/2003 |
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so havent written in awhile i dont live at home a nymore so it's hard most of my real close friends don't know about this anyway and sometimes things arebetter off that way if they ask me a question i will answer them straight up and they know that so this really isnt a secret thing plenty of people know the webpage just plenty of people dont read it. Ihave been making myself sick lately with guilt and it is rally starting tog et to me i dont know what i am doing anymore i cant talk to my pyschologist because she is taking the month of august fucking off so i cant talk to her til septemeber..... I asked someone why they like me the other day i always ask people this question and the responce is usually the same becasue your pretty.. well i got a different response this time..it was i think it's because your as crazy as i am.... and he actually thought about it and gave me a long answer...i liked it alot it made me happy...it sucks though becasue no matter what i do i am always going to be stuck on that one person, who proabaly doesnt give a fuck at all about me....im just not happy anymore... i put on a stupid fucking front everyday...last night vaughan had a break down and i thought that was going to be it for me but no it wasnt i didnt even feel sad what the hell is wrong with me i feel like there is no emotion left ti share what do i have left nothing. i have my friends... nothing esle i have no self dignity i could probaly kill myself and not think twice. but im not going to becasue i dont think i have the balls to do it... well i have to get to vaughans house actually our house becasue we live together its her little sisters birthday party and i think it already started so i should get going leave on eif you carwe |
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| 04:10pm 30/06/2003 |
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One of my old good friends said something to me freshman year. I have started thinking alot about what he said, it's a little late now four years later, he told me that i don't feel happiness regret or any of those other human emotions. i'm startnig to believe this is true. i think once you have felt what real hate is it just swallows you whole and cleans you out. I realize i don't need anyone one to go on, and i never feel any real emotion when I am ina relationship anyway...maybe i want to get off but is that really an emotion no i don't think so that is just selfishness. But i think i have been thouroughly stripped of all emotions over the past 7 years. now i dont really care about much anymore... but besides that shit.. i got a car today yes my own car it is a piece of shit....but i can drive anywhere i would like with it i have to go pick it up at the shop later today.... its ghetto the speed omoter only goes up to 85 so im going to be pushing it quite a bit... well i might be getting a second job lifeguarding at the fairfield inn so that might be cool 10 easy dollars and houron top of my other job so ill be make mad money for the rest of the summer. |
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| 07:21am 19/06/2003 |
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| gumby4444 | | Magic Number | 18 | | Job | Actor | | Personality | I'd Quite Like One | | Temperament | If I Lose It - Run | | Sexual | Whatever, Whenever, Whoever | | Likely To Win | A Free Coke | | Me - In A Word | Startling | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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| oh man |
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| 06:55pm 17/06/2003 |
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i ve been sleeping all day just got up and all i want to do is go back to sleep...ive been dreaming mad weird dreams all day it's so weird.... I'm kind of bored...I don't really feal like going out maybe people will comeover here and cheer me up a bit... so i had this huge ass hickey on my neck and i forgot about so i though my mom was staring at my lip ring but no she was staring at it, and im like what the fuck... and then she is like YOU LITTLE FUCKING DIRTY WHORE....yeah so that sucked im like i don tknow whawt it is i dont even have a boyfrined i woke up and it was there.... hmm i dont think i believe in boyfriends or relationships.... just been hookin gup with mad random people....i think it was the strip poker though.... maybe that wasnt the best idea... it was fun though and me vaughan want a weekly strip poker night... i guess we just like to be naked.... but i suck at it anyways and im naked damn fasst... oh qwell maybe i cant get myself into any relationship because im still to damn hooked up on one guy who i can never have... oh well it means for a lot of fun.. yeah so if anyone wants to hang give me a call |
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| 01:16pm 16/06/2003 |
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yeah so i should start wearing underwear, if i'm gonna be drinking.... So went to boston last night with Vaughan, Haymer, and Higginbottom...started drinking and played strip poker.... I was naked so fast i definatly lost..... yeah but i got some action so whatever lol..... i lik ebeing naked anyways... Ive been working alot lately. i skipped wrk today i worked the past seven days in a row so ill just be like i donts usualy work mondays sorry.... i didnt know i was working becasue they didnt even put up a schedule so they cant yell at me much or anything whatever i dont give a fuck.... im gonna have mad money this week anyway so who cares... i wanna go look at tattoos today but i dont know if thats going to happen i dont want my mom to know i skipped work so imgoing to tell her i just didnt have to go in if she asks that they had enough help... |
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| I am invincible |
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| 08:58am 10/06/2003 |
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mood: jubilant
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hahaha...i think im losing it...it's sad when you don't give a fuck about anything, but its also great in it's own kind of way...it just makes me happy because anyone is going to have a hard time trying to piss me off, or get any emotion out of me at all... lata sucks. just try and break me |
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| What's up bitches? |
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| 01:05am 08/06/2003 |
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mood:  giddy
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It's really wierd but I've been truly happy lately, and I don't thinkn anyone can change it... Although I do have to call my pyscholgist becasue ive skipped about 5appointments with her.. I have been acting kind of loopy lately but I guess it's just becasue I don't care about what anyone thinks anymore... the only thing that has really pissed me off in he past couple of weeks is amanda newbie if i see her i will probaly hurt her...you don't spread shit about any of my friends, especially shit like she said that isnt even true...you just suck. Ive been working alot lately i dont mind except when i come home from 12 hour shifts with no breaks and am delirious yeah its kinda of fun to drive like that... yeah so i need some good lovin... i mean oh wait no i don't so i ran into brad yesterday at CVS i saw his car but knew it wasnt him in the driver seat it was jay so i talked to jay he's always nice to talk to, then brad came out so im like hey brad whats up and he didnt say a word so i just laughed he can call me up and harass me n shit but he cant say a fucking word to my face gotta love it...the best part of it all was that it didnt even phase me...then i saw jesse and talked to him for awhile becasue he was picking up pics at CVS but didnt have enough money so he asked if he could get just one picture from the roll i though that was mad funny... so i just been chilling wiht vaughan lately hanging at random places... i love her.. i hope we still reamin good friends when she goes away to school...i know we will.... so yeah peace |
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| fuck i did it |
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| 11:50am 02/06/2003 |
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So graduation today crazy... I never thought this day would come....and now im moving on, there are so many things that i have done that i would have never expected...I never thought i would love pills....never thought i would see someone shooting heroin...never thought i'd date a heroin addict...never thought i would fuck a heroin addict....never thought i would start smoking butts.... nver thought i would have as good of a friend as Vaughan...never though i would move from billerica and meet so many amazing people... never though i owuld start to actually like rap...thats a big one yeah so im all done with highschool...its great |
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| Damn |
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| 12:01am 01/06/2003 |
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So i get home and want tog et on my computer and theres a bunch of fucking little girls in my cellar having a slumber party in my cellar.... like 7th graders, and im stoned so yeah great gotta love it.... uh huh its kinda like that, so i just sat at my computer and got on it becasue idon't give a fuck about a bunch of little fucking girlies, they can suck m twat so now they are all whispering about me, yeah..... This is going to be a fucking good summer.... it has been so far hopefully it will continue... Im gonna be getting like 500 d0llar checks this summer it's gonna be so great im gonna be fucked on something all the fucking tiime from now til i start school then im gonna try and clean up a little, because being an anastesiologist is going to take alot of fucking work, and damn i didnt speel that right.... SHAWHEEN YOU SHOULD CALL ME I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!!!! we can be friends i don't care what you say, we can do it.... yeah that was completely random i just felt like sayingn it.Ive been so damn good lately i havent been with any guys since shawheen cuddling only and that doesnt count when its with multiple guys cuddling going from one to another.... I need someone i can make a bad kid...i think thats so funny when you do that take a good fucking boy and make him bad...best feeling in the world.... Im not thinking in complete sentences right now, and i dont know why im not even that high but whatever i need a butt so im out |
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| Out with the old...In with the new |
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| 12:03am 31/05/2003 |
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mood: indescribable
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So yeah, I think I'm going to switch things up for awhile... This past week has made me really think why the fuck im not as friendly as i used to be i used to give so many people chances.. people that i really shouldn't have put and trust into, I gave all my trust, and all you fucking people ruin me for everyone else, becasue i just don't give a fuck when people have a problem with me. I think a big problem with me is i just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I don't even care what people fucking think, it's there problem if they want to worry themselves with me. I like me and thats all that matters. Fuck I need to shower, because i feel so gross, but im just gonna work all day, and then feel like shit agian and take another shower but its inevitable.damn i spelled so many things wrong here
i dont really care
I have to get up early for work i so don't want to . So i want to meet someone totally amazing but i dont think thats ever going to happen. |
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| 03:36pm 30/05/2003 |
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Do you ever think life will get better if you just have sex with a random person? Or would that just make you a slut? Why can't guys be sluts... I know plenty of man sluts.... yeah so im gonna go party tonight should be fun |
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| SOo I'm Happy... Don't Ruin IT |
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| 08:30am 29/05/2003 |
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I had a really good day at eastover yesterday, for part of the day, bu then i got tired from humping to many things and just wanted to go home to sleep, but i didnt get home til late. But yeah it wqas some good food, and shit, and i rode a horse for the second da in row, a real one this time, we did not shake the carousel this time. I can't beleive I'm all done with school, it's crazy, I remember entering first grade, and just wanting to leave becasue the teacher hated me because she had a crush on my mom's boyfriend of the time, even though she was like 70 and he was like 25 it was sick, but she used to humiliate me in front of the whole class, becasue i couldn't color in the line, so from that day on i just wanted to get out of school. So yeah FUCK YOU MRS. KELLEHER, you ruined my life yup you. eh your probaly dead now you were old back then... today I'm going up to York, Maine to have a lobster/clam bake, it should be fun but im still sleepy from yesterday, I Should go and shower and stuff, maybe ill start regularly updating this taht would be a crazy idea huh |
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| So I guess you were right afterall... |
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| 08:17pm 27/05/2003 |
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Yup, so I'm over it now I'm gonna go have some fun. So I went to 6 fags today..it was fun and all.. Me and Vaughan were out of control, humping everything screaming sex on the screamer, humping eachother on the bus, singing, makin asses out of ourselves, and shit so it was fun. I've been upset about shawheen for awhile, but i guess we never had anytthing going for us anyway so whatever. It's going to be hard to move on because he has always been in the back of mind, and it sucks. I think I'm going out later with Vaughan the swan and we're gonna probly hang with some cool people doing really cool things, and me and vaughan will just entertain ourselves but my mom is pissed at me so i don't know if im going anywhere, but i usually get my way so yeah well then i think that abot cover it up i graduate in less than a week...My birthday is a week from today whoo whoo |
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gumby4444's journal